Let Sleeping Chocobos Lie
by Chicky Tifa
Summary: What happens when Aeris becomes head of the Toilet Company? Or when the Chocobos catch sleeping disease? Vincent and Barret are karma loving hippies and Cloud gets his own underwear show? Yuffie and a record contract? Cheap Dope and a lot more! plz r
1. Aeris's Declaration

  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, I'm am not earning money from this and I am doing this for pleasure. Let Sleeping Chocabos Lie 

Aeris skipped into the Casa Cloudie Poo, brimming with excitement. Her bouncy entrance received barely a glance, as the rest of the household were deeply involved in worshipping the television. Aeris stood in front of the television, a manic grin on her cherub lips.

"Get outta the "£&(("£$"("way, we're trying to watch Bastard Squad," said Cid, in his shockingly eloquent manner. Aeris didn't budge, but merely turned the television off.

"Everyone, I have THE coolest news!" shrieked Aeris, hopping from one foot to another. "I've been made head of the world toilet agency! So if you want any changes, tell me now!"

Aeris's declaration was met with a stunned silence. The idea of anyone being insane enough to put Aeris in charge of an organisation was a bit too much for them to digest. Red recovered first.

"Toilets too high. I end up misfiring. Not good for general hygiene of bathroom" he said, nodding his head. Eyes moved from Aeris to Red. It was enough to break the ice, and a barrage of comments followed.

"Fag dispensers" added Cid, lighting up again.

"Loo roll is on the wrong side. It's on my gun arm side, I tell ya, I always end up having to go around the whole day feeling damp!" said Barret, raising the gun arm that was the bane of his bathroom rituals.

"I feel for ya man! It's the same with my claw, I have to go around feeling damp! Not a nice feeling in velvet trousers!" added Vincent, wriggling about in his velvet trousers.

"So...Vinny...does that mean you go commando?" asked Yuffie, slyly cocking up a nearly non-existent eyebrow. Vinny's cheeks reddened.

"Vinny...think fast....uhhhhhhhhh.....I wear velvet boxers as well! The whole velvet hog, that's me!" stuttered Vinny. Luckily, Vinny's camp declaration was soon overshadowed by Cloud's request.

"Sword holder. Mine always ends up falling in.," he said.

Aeris beamed and let out a low giggle.

"Thanks guys! So many new ideas! I'll go to HQ straightaway and tell them about this!" she said, bouncing out of the room.

Tifa who had remained silent throughout the whole exchange, let out a low whistle. She narrowed her eyes conspiratorially and adopted an evil smirk on her pouty lips.

"This might have possibilities" she said thoughtfully, gently prodding Cloud.

"What the %&£(£££" do you mean?" asked Cid rudely, never one to wait for anything.

"We could make the mechanism in the toilet different, so it reverses" said Tifa, grinning. Red caught on immediately.

"So it sucks people in?" he asked. Tifa nodded, and was about to continue, when Barret suddenly interrupted.

"I can see it now" he said dreamily, "I walk into the street, proud and strong. I don't have my guilty secret anymore. For, I AM DRY!"

Barret's eyes half closed, in a dream like daze.

"Yeah, you can walk about without discomfort. Can you imagine a world without discomfort?" said Vinny, sitting in a lotus position.

"Do you want to go and imagine" Barret asked Vinny. Vinny nodded, and left, dragging their yoga mats behind them.

Cloud looked up from his crossword puzzle. "Who woulda known that those two were actually closeted hippies?" he said. Tifa shrugged.

"Praise the Lord!" shouted Cid. Everyone turned to look at him in shock, as he managed to say a sentence without a stream of profanity.

"Speaking of thanking god, we'd better because then he might give us our wishes!" shrieked Yuffie, twirling a lock of hair around her fingers.

They all drop down to pray.

"God, give me super strong hair gel...."muttered Cloud.

"A cigarette that never burns out..." pleaded Cid, taking a puff of one of his lucky strikes.

"All the magic in the world....mastered as well, none of this shitty having to level up business" was Yuffie's unselfish wish.

"All litter tray, big enough to hold 7 days worth...." Was Red's request 

"A glove, made out of chocolate...."muttered Tifa.

'Now back to the toilet thing' said Yuffie, clapping her hands.

'We can make it, so it sucks people in....and then Aeris tests it out and she gets sucked in!' said Cloud, in a rare moment of inspiration.

'A world without Aeris....heaven' sighed Tifa, opening her locket with its picture of Aeris, the face scrubbed out.

'No more alien eyed girl!' shouted Cloud joyfully. 

'I could extend my shrine to Cloud to her wardrobe!' said Tifa dreamily.

Several pairs of eyes turn to look at her. Cid coughs. Tifa turns on him.

'Oh come on Cid! We all know about your shrine to Dynasty' she said accusingly, narrowing her eyes.

Red chuckled and nudged Cid with his paw.

'For someone whom prides himself on his, erm, EXTENSIVE vocabulary, it's laughable that he should like something so trashy as Dynasty. And don't get me started on Hawaii Five-O......' said Red slyly.

'No more decorum! My leather shorts, no longer replaced by gingham dresses!' shrieked Yuffie, wiggling her behind in her beloved leather shorts.

'Heaven....'they all said, in unison.

Cloud slumped down in his laz-ee boy recliner, but suddenly sat bolt upright.

'I've got it!' he shouted. Cid bent over languidly and extracted a squished Twinkie from the carpet.

'At last, someone's found the remote control' said Cid, ramming the squished Twinkie in his mouth.

'I wish it were so! Nope, we should spread a rumour that Aeris is an alien, as well!' said Cloud.

'Yeah! And get her back to telling everyone that I shop at K-Mart!' said Cid fiercely.

A moment of dead silence. A cricket chirps. All eyes on Cid. 

'Okaaaay' said Yuffie, furrowing her brow, before collapsing into mirth. The others all quickly followed suit.

'You fools! Don't you know anything about bargain clothes? Why spend so much on clothes, when you could spend it on tea!!??!' shouted Cid plaintively, over the collected mirth.

The group stare at him in confusion. Tifa smoothes down her Dolce and Gabbana skirt.

'That comment is lost on us, fashionable people, with taste' she said in a prissy voice, admiring the ruby ring on her finger.

'Yeah Cid, soon you'll start telling us to wash our clothes instead of throwing them out and buying new ones!' Cloud said, screwing up his day old Armani shirt and throwing it in the bin.

Cid leaves the room, muttering profanities under his breath.

'One down....who's next?' snarled Red, trying his best evil grin, but failing entirely, as he'd forgotten to put his dentures in this morning. Eyes turn to Yuffie.

'Whatever Red, we all know about your oh-so little crush on Madonna' she said blithely. Red silently leaves with his tail between his legs.

Cloud drags his attention away from the remains on the mashed Twinkie on the carpet.

'That thing Red's got going is slightly worrying' said Cloud, with no particular tone.

'We'll look into later. But first, we must deal with the matter in hand' replied Tifa.

'What?' asked Cloud, chewing on his Twinkie.

Tifa and Yuffie looked at one another and sighed. Ever since Cloud had got Mako poisoning, he had found it hard to grasp simple ideas, like changing his undies and washing regularly....

Yuffie shrugged and launched into her spiel.

'Here's the plan. Cloud will ride his Gold chocobo to round Island. That's where the Toilet Headquarters are. He can sneak into the building and then draw the reverse mechanism into the blue prints of the normal toilets. Meanwhile, Tifa can be spreading rumours that Aeris is an alien' concluded Yuffie.

'But if she's gonna be sucked into the toilet, there's no need to spread rumours about her, is there?' asked Cloud.

'True. You do have a point there, but when she's sucked in, we don't want her to remembered as the Sweet Flower Girl, do we?' replied Yuffie.

'Nice one Yuffie. The rumours will make everyone remember her as an Alien with strange eyes!' grinned Tifa, drumming her fingers on the scarred coffee table.

'Fair enough. I'll go to the stables and collect Goldie' said Cloud, rising to leave.

'I'll go and tell the rumour to the local gossips on every town!' stated Tifa, heading up to her room to change.

'Better work on black mailing Red into making the mechanism...' sighed Yuffie, snatching up her shuriken.

End of Chapter One.

New chapter format and layout! Wahey!

Chapters have been edited, expect Chapter Two up shortly.


	2. The Rumour Mill Begins!

Vinny and Barret are sat in the lotus position under a willow tree in the back garden. Both are dressed in psychedelic flares and tie-dyed t-shirts. Barret's wearing his 'I pity da fool' headband, in tribute to his hero, Mr T. Vinny has his long, raven hair loose over his shoulders.

'Let yourself sink into karma. Listen to the bells!' crooned Vinny, eyes shut tightly.

'As we enter the ecstasy of karma, repeat to yourself: I am confident. I am dry' said Barret.

'I am confident. I am dry' muttered both, in unison.

'I'm not just thinking I'm dry. I AM dry' said Vinny, dreamily, unaware that the pleasant tickling feeling was not the bliss of karma, but in fact an inquisitive spider.

'We have entered karma. The feeling of blisss.....' purred Barret.

Aeris skips along, oblivious to the blissful awakening taking place. Squinting at sun, she carefully tugged at Vinny's unkempt bangs.

'Hey guys? Guess what? I've got the panel's approval! Loo roll will be made on the other side!' she said.

'Wooohooo!' shouted Barret, turning around to high five Vinny.

'Testify brothers!' shouted Vinny.

They begin to dance around to YMCA as men dressed as Cowboys and Indians emerge from the bushes and join in as well.

Meanwhile, at the chocobo stables.

Cloud saunters in casually, stopping to check up on his chocobos. He spots Choco Billy, in the feed room.

'Hey Choco Billy, Where's Goldie? It's time he had some exercise' said Cloud.

'Sure. But you should take a look at your green one first...' said Choco Billy, gesturing towards Cloud's green mountain chocobos, Emerald, who happens to be frothing at the mouth.

'What do you recommend?' said Cloud, scratching his head.

'Cut out sylikis greens. I have a feeling that the Chocobo Sage gave you dope instead of greens' replied Choco Billy, reaching over to pat the agitated Chocobo's neck.

'I wondered why his eyes were so blood shot' muttered Cloud thoughtfully. He moved onto the next stall, where his Gold S Class racer was boarded. Cloud blinked in surprise to see the normally hyperactive Gold chocobo, curled up asleep.

'What's up with Goldie?' he asked Choco Billy, having to raise his voice slightly over the chocobo's snores.

'Oh hell. Looks like sleeping disease' said Choco Billy, peering at Goldie with his short sighted eyes.

'What's the cure?' asked Cloud worriedly.

Choco Billy merely leaned back onto some hay bales and continued to chew the piece of grass he had.

'Well as the saying goes, 'let sleeping chocobos lie'' he said languidly. Cloud ran his hands through his spikes manically.

'WHAT?!?!?!' growled Cloud, his eyes popping out, making his resemble a drugged up dragonfly. He rushed into the stall, and tried to shake the chocobo awake. Instead, it falls into an even deeper slumber.

'Leave it alone Cloudie-Boy. It'll wake up in its own time' said Choco Billy unconcernedly.

'How long could that be?' asked Cloud. He was starting to get desperate now.

'Around three to five months...' replied Choco Billy.

'But I can't wait that long! The alien girl must be eradicated nowwwwww' howled Cloud, beginning to bang his head on the stable floor. Choco Billy wisely chose to ignore Cloud's latter admission.

'Well there is a cure. Only Scarlet of Shinra knows that though' said Choco Billy.

'If I bug her enough, she'll tell' responded Cloud confidently, from his prone position on the floor.

'Well....Scarlet isn't what I'd call a push over...'mused Choco Billy.

While, back home.

Yuffie is grovelling on the floor, in front of Red.

'Please Red, we need your help!' she pleaded. Red merely looked at her with an expression of disgust.

'No. Make it yourself' he said in a bored monotone.

'Red! I'm a teenager with the IQ of a bunny rabbit. Hmm...carrots' moaned Yuffie, her interest momentarily piqued by a carrot.

'But you told my secret!' pouted Red.

'I'll make it up to you! I'll...um, buy you a litter tray!' said Yuffie, desperately.

'In the shape of a puppy? With a lifetime supply of Madonna porn?' asked Red.

Yuffie gaped.

'Madonna porn? Who the hell would have that? Oh I know, Sephy! But Red, wouldn't you prefer something else?' said Yuffie.

'Madonna' said Red in a flat monotone.

'Okay. So If I get you these things, you'll make the mechanism?' levelled Yuffie.

'Don't forget the puppy shape! PUPPY PUPPY!' chorused Red.

'Yeah Red. Puppy....'groaned Yuffie.

Tifa strides confidently in the local bar, her legs visible from beneath the short and naughty hem line of her skirt. She hitches up her halter neck top, and pauses to primp quickly in the mirror.

'So...I'm gonna be perved on....Well it'll make the job easier. Distract them with my chest, and they'll agree to anything. Can't be worse than Don Corneo. That guy was screaming to be let out of the closet' said Tifa aloud, furrowing her brow in the mirror.

Her childhood friend, Johnny, spots her from the across the bar. He nods at her, and Tifa immediately seizes her chance and scoots up to him. She playfully twirls a lock of chocolate brown hair around her finger.

'Hey Teef' said Johnny, nodding at her. 'Well, well, well...what do we have here' he thought, sizing up what's on show.

'Hey Johnny! Do you want to find out something so interesting and hyper cool?' she asked, turning on her sugary, 'Hey I'm a Bimbo' voice she used for her advantage.

'So hyper cool that it would power a monkey fuelled car around the world?' asked Johnny curiously.

'Twice....'purred Tifa, slanting her brown eyes mischievously.

'I'm all ears! Spill' he replied, swigging from his pint glass. 'And hormones, too' he thought, trying to keep his eyes off what was on show.

'You know Aeris...' said Tifa, letting the statement hang. Johnny nodded and shrugged.

'That girl who tried to run for Mayor a few years back? Flower worshipper?' said Johnny, wincing at the memory.

'That's her. Well I've heard from a VERY reliable source that she's an alien!' quipped Tifa.

'That would explain the weird eyes and her interest in white magic' mused Johnny.

'Well, we need to notify everyone!' said Tifa, prodding him.

'Why?' asked Johnny.

'She's planning to take over the world! She'll turn the sky pink and everyone will be flowers for all eternity!' said Tifa, urgently.

'No! We have to stop her! I'll go tell everyone!' concluded Johnny. Swigging down the last of his beer, he races out of the bar to spread the world.

'Now that wasn't so bad' mused Tifa, brushing a speck of dirt off her skirt. The rumour mill had begun.

End of chapter 2


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